Domestic vs International? God Has a Sense of Humor - Part 1

On an earlier post, I said I would share the story of how we came to our decision to pursue domestic adoption. It’s truly a story that shows how God works in our hearts and also a story that proves He has a sense of humor. But, I will warn you – it’s a fairly long story – I’m going to split it into 2 posts.

When Mark and I first started looking at adoption, we could not have been further apart in our thoughts about what road we should take. Mark felt very strongly about domestic infant adoption. On the other hand, I was drawn to international adoption and very much wanted to adopt a child from Eastern Europe or Russia. Ok, drawn may not be a strong enough word – those of you who know me can attest to the fact that I can be fairly opinionated and stubborn when I want my way.

I wasn’t completely opposed to domestic adoption, but as we met with various agencies none of them seemed encouraging about our chance of a birth mom selecting us. The “ideal” age for adoptive parents is between 25-35. We are “older” – Mark is 45 and I am 39. We are not a “Barbie and Ken” couple. My fear was that a birth mom would look at our photo, see our ages, and not be able to get past those two things to see how much we have to offer. With domestic infant adoption, you really are at the mercy of being chosen by a birth mom. I was concerned that a year from now, we would not be any closer to adopting than we are today. Mark was hesitant about adopting internationally. Travel time, cost, and cultural issues were big on his mind – and justifiably so. He is definitely the more practical one in our relationship and I tend to act more from an emotional standpoint. His opinion was that if a birth mom could just see what a great life we can give a child, of course she would choose us.

After a lot of discussion, but no decisions I decided I was going to be very blunt with Mark. I told him that we had 2 options – we could take our chances with domestic adoption – knowing that there was the possibility that we would not get a child or we could pursue international knowing that if we followed the process, it would just be a matter to time until we had a referral. After some thought, Mark agreed that maybe domestic wasn’t the best route for us and we should begin looking at international options. God was already starting to work in his heart.

I was excited! I set out to look at what countries we qualified for and what our best options were. Mark was still hesitant to consider Eastern Europe/Russia because of the previously mentioned concerns. We met with a couple more agencies – talked with families who had adopted internationally, narrowed down our options. Because Mark was still hesitant, I was praying that God would open his heart. I began looking at some of the African countries. Fees were reasonable and travel time was also feasible for Mark. However, he had reservations about – not about loving a child of a different race, but concern about if that child would suffer with very “white” parents and if there would be acceptance issues in our predominantly white, small town community. Again, I was praying that God would open Mark’s heart while still looking at other options he might be more open to. Then, in one of my frequent visits to Reese’s Rainbow, I came across a sibling pair that caught my eye. A little boy and girl – 2 and 3 years old needed a family. Oh, my goodness – here was the opportunity to have my little girl and Mark’s little boy all in one shot. There was just one concern – the little girl is HIV positive. To me, it wasn’t a big deal – we just handle it. However, I knew Mark would have reservations so I gathered as much knowledge as I could, praying again for his heart to be open. To my surprise, he didn’t say “no.” He did raise issues that I hadn’t thought of – insurance coverage, medical expenses, and most important to him was my emotional ability to deal with an ill child who might die.

Hmmm – once again, I was having to take a step back and consider additional issues (God was opening my mind!). As we talked through all of this, my heart was really hurting – Mark and I just didn’t seem to be on the same page at the same time – nothing felt RIGHT. It was extremely difficult for me. I really needed a sense of direction and to know where God was leading us.