Control issues and adoption

We all have our weaknesses, don't we? I am going to be very honest about one of my weaknesses (ok, we all know that I have a food weakness, but that's not the one I am talking about - lol!).

I think I have shared about this before, but I have control issues... I feel like I can deal with just about anything as long as I have an idea of where I am going and what to expect. So... as you can imagine, the uncertainty associated with the adoption process is very difficult for me. Depending on the path one chooses, there is only so much that is within our control.

I do trust that God sees the big picture and that He is in control. He knows the path far better than I do. It's not that I doubt that. There are times when I pray for some glimpse of what the future holds for Mark and I (and our family). I do feel like it is maybe different than we planned when we first started this journey last year. I also realize that I am not very good at being quiet and listening for God to speak to me. I really need to work on that - maybe I would have a clearer picture of what lies ahead if I would stop for a minute (or hour or day) to really hear what He is saying.  Some day, I'm sure I will look back and say, "Aha - I can see how God was connecting the dots when I couldn't see it."

We are making a few inquiries and I hope to share with everyone soon - just to keep you all in suspense!  :)

Thoughts

Last week, I shared that I have been feeling pretty discouraged. I wish that I could say I am over that now, but honestly... I still am struggling with impatience. I admit it - I have control issues. I can deal with almost anything as long as I know what it is that I am facing. I don't like the "unknown." So waiting and wondering is difficult for me. I want to be following whatever path God has for me, right now... I feel kind of like the path is taking me through an area where it is difficult to see. Our adoption and my career are places where I thought I knew where God was leading me, thought I could see the destination - now, I'm not quite so sure. So, I am praying for an open mind and acceptance of whatever path that I/we (Mark & I) are supposed to take. I'm hoping for a sign or "compass" that will give us a glimpse of where we are headed.

I was putting together a bridal shower gift tonight. I had purchased a cute photo album a long time ago - didn't have any plans for it, but it was a good deal and I knew the right opportunity would come along. So, I was flipping through the pages to make sure there wasn't a receipt or something left inside. I noticed a small card tucked in one of the page pockets and pulled it out. It had a picture of a dove with the following verse on it, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him" (Romans 15:13). Now, I KNOW that I did not put that card in the photo album. Hmmmm - maybe God was trying to tell me something.  :)

Adoption Portfolio

I've been hoping to share our adoption portfolio for a while and finally figured out how to link to a pdf file on the blog. You can view it by clicking on the link in the upper left corner of the home page. Enjoy!

Openness in Adoption and other thoughts

When Mark and I first started talking about adoption, I was very apprehensive about having an open adoption. But my heart has really been changed and I see how important it can be for everyone involved.

At first, I was scared - mostly insecure about having ongoing contact with our child's birth family. What if they decide they want to be parents later on? What if they try to undermine our parenting? What if our child loves them more? All sorts of anxieties...

However as I have thought and prayed about this as well as listened to kids who have been adopted, it has become increasingly important to me that we consider as much openness in our adoption as the birth family is interested in. Of course, it needs to be in the best interest of everyone involved. Heritage is a vital piece of one's identity. Knowing our origins allows us to have a better sense of self, who do we look like, what traits have we inherited from our parents, etc? Children who have been adopted may want to know the circumstances that led to their adoption plan, ask questions, be reassured. Birth families want reassurance that their child is being cared for and loved, given opportunities to grow and reach their highest potential - to know that their adoption plan was the right one - it is completely understandable!

Mark and I will be open to sharing letters, photos, perhaps phone calls and visits with our child's birth family. We feel that openness is what's best for our child!!

One other thought that has been on my mind. Every now and then, I start getting impatient about adopting. I want it to happen on MY time frame. A couple of weeks ago, our pastor spoke about trusting God - specifically Abraham and Sarah as they waited long into old age for God's promise of children to be fulfilled, how Sarah became impatient and took matters into her own hands instead of trusting that God would be faithful creating a situation that was not God's will. It was (and is) a reminder to me of the importance of trusting that God does have a plan for my life.

This thought was reinforced for me today as Mark and I looking for pictures to use in our adoption portfolios. I came across a paper that I had written for a faith development class that I took while completing my bachelor's degree. The date on this paper was exactly 2 months before my first husband died. I wrote that lately I had been hearing God tell me, "Your plans are NOT the plans I have for you." At that time, I had no idea of how quickly and dramatically my life would change. Over the past 6 years since that paper was written, God has been faithful and blessed my life in ways that I never would have imagined.

When I begin to get impatient and think about creating my own timeline for our adoption, I will stop and remind myself that God is always faithful. I trust that when the time is right, He will bring our child to us.

Reference Interviews Completed! (and a brief musing)

Just time for a quick note this evening. Part of our home study includes Becky meeting with the friends that we have listed as references. She finished the final reference check today. I just want to say thank you to Denise and Guy, Jeanne and Ken, and Brad for being willing to vouch for us (hopefully, we paid you well enough.. oh, yeah, I forgot that we didn't pay you anything - lol!, well, we will have to figure something out).

We have started the education piece of the process now, receiving information about adoption, education modules, we have homework assignments - watching some videos that talk about issues that adopted children often deal with. It's interesting and eye-opening. I'm glad that this is part of the requirement to adopt.

One of the videos we watched was interviews with young adults who were adopted. One of them talked about how she always felt like she was her parents' second choice (first choice would have been a biological child). Her parents didn't act that way, but she "felt" like that was the case. That really touched my heart. Mark and I talked about how we might approach this situation and here's what we came up with. Our first choice is to have a child. Biological vs adopted - doesn't matter. We want to have the child/children that God intended for us to have. There is no second choice with Him. The child He brings to our family will be the FIRST choice, loved and nurtured, perhaps treasured (not spoiled rotten!) even more because we know that he or she was chosen by God Himself. I hope and pray that our child is able to trust and believe that in their heart.

Aren't we a "loving family?"

Recently, I added a link here on our blog for children who are waiting for their forever family. You may wonder "Why - if we are waiting for a child - aren't we considering making one of these beautiful children part of our family?" That's a very appropriate question.

There are usually several children on RR that touch my heart deeply. Mark will attest to the fact that tears come freely when I think about every minute that they are without a family to love them. And at any given time, I am praying specifically for 1-2 to find their forever home. It is so exciting to see these children move to the list of pending adoptions - God hears our prayers! I have been blessed to follow one child's journey, praying for her since she was first listed on RR and even now when she has been part of her forever family since December. Sometimes, I ask God if He has a plan for any of them that includes Mark and I, hoping that maybe He does.

But for right now, I believe that God's plan for us is to pursue domestic adoption. You can read about how we came to that decision in one of my earlier posts. We are open to that path that is laid out before us. In the meantime, I feel like I can advocate for these precious children who desperately need a family to call their own by sharing them with you. Perhaps you will feel led to bring grow your family through this journey called adoption.

Crazy?

“What are you thinking?” “Do you know what you are getting into?” “Have you given this enough thought?” “Why would you give up the terrific life that you have?” I know… I’ve heard it in the voices of some of you; I’ve seen it in your face as we’ve shared our decision to adopt. Disbelief, sarcasm, disappointment, negativity – the list could go on.

Yes – we have a great life. We have secure jobs, freedom to do what we want/when we want, the ability to stay up late and sleep in, enjoy the kids around us and send them home. We do a little traveling (a little less than I’d like, a little more than Mark would like – at least right now), have a little breathing room financially (although not much while I’m in school), and enjoy our life. If we don’t adopt, I can’t see that changing except to improve.

We’re “older” - we have friends with children in college. They are at a whole different stage in their lives. I can only think of 1-2 couples that we know with children under the age of 5. There are many arguments and reasons NOT to start our adoption journey at this stage in our lives.

So why are we embarking on this road filled with uncertainty, sleepless nights, financial demands, tears, stress, and potential heartache? I’m pretty sure it’s not because we’re crazy. We are in a good place to start our family right now. We do have secure jobs, we are financially stable, and we have the ability to offer our child some of the things that we wouldn’t have been able to 20 years ago.

In addition, we also want to share all that we have with our precious child. Every day, Mark and I feel blessed to have this life. We choose to see the glass “half-full” and plan to instill in our child(ren) that same appreciation for life, laughter, friends, family, and happiness. We will nurture, teach, love, and guide them to adulthood in hopes that our children will live their lives in a way that the world is a better place for those whose lives they touch.

For those of you who are skeptical, yes – we know that we are choosing to make a radical change in our lifestyle. No – we haven’t anticipated every possibility, but we do know it won’t always be easy or fun. We choose this journey anyway – eagerly awaiting hugs, kisses, mud pies, frogs, diapers, all the things that being a parent brings.

For those of you who offered your congratulations and support, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.