Sunday, August 5, 2012
The parent I'm supposed to be
Maia and I were in the play room this morning. There were a couple of others moms who were there with their kiddos. A volunteer was helping kids with spin art. The cart for the spin art was tall so I picked Maia up out of her chair and held her so she could see what was going on. I could feel the other moms and their kids watching us. We finished our project and then sat at a nearby table, "playing" with a toy while I watched the kids make their projects. I choked back tears as I heard the kids choose their colors for the volunteer and talk to their moms about how cool it was. You see, that was the parent I was "supposed" to be. The parent of a child who functions at an age appropriate level, who is respectful, well-behaved, calm. You know... Cheerleader, class president, most likely to succeed, etc. When Mark and I began the process to adopt Maia, we knew that she had unique needs. And we gathered information about how best to meet those needs, feeling fairly confident that we could manage. Similar situation with Matthew. Like most parents, we had a pre-conceived notion of what our life would look like with these children in it. I had a picture in my mind of the parent I was "supposed" to be. Not only that, but I had a picture in my mind of the kids I was "supposed" to have. Pretty sure that those images and reality are not even remotely related. Not just for Maia, but Matthew as well. I often fail at being the parent that I want to be. And my vision of what the future looks like is entirely different today than it was 3 months ago. There are times when I struggle to understand why God chose this path for me, times when my selfish nature takes over, and I cry, whine, try to control as much of life as possible. I am guilty of trying to mold the kids in to who I think they should be instead of remembering that their Heavely Father created them. Given the fact that He made all of us in His image, that's pretty arrogant of me. God creates families for His purpose. And all situations can be used to glorify Him. He is the author of our lives and His ways are perfect. Just because a situation or circumstance doesn't look like I think it should, doesn't mean that it is a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes. I don't pretend to understand why this is the path that God has chosen for us. But, God knows why. Yesterday, a dear friend shared a comment that another dear friend had made. She said that I had a calling. That these children are my calling. God created me to be mom to Matthew and Maia. I was thinking about that this afternoon. If God gave me the chance to trade my two kiddos for two "typical" kiddos, would I? And the answer is of course, NO! These are the children of my heart and so precious to me - even in the difficult times. Even when life doesn't look like I think it is supposed to. I do trust unfailingly in God's plan and His divine purpose. And if I quit trying to understand and maintain control and allow God to work in me, He will gradually change me into the parent/person that
I am supposed He created me to be.