Grief seems to be hitting me hard lately. My heart just aches for so many things. The beautiful children who lie in cribs in orphanages on the other side of the world without mommies to cuddle them and tell them how much they are loved. Some of my patients who are experiencing difficult health issues without an end in sight. Thinking of the recent loss of our beloved Grandma Hansen (even though I know she is in a much better place and I would never wish her back). And of course, the biggest part of me is affected with grief for our sweet Maia. Truth be told, now that we are "in the trenches" (for lack of a better term), my heart hurts for the losses she has sustained. I'm not trying to be negative or pessimistic. It's probably just that we are facing more of those "firsts" since she got sick. I'll probably blog more about that another time since I don't want this post to be any more of a downer than I've already made it.
As I said earlier, there is much to be thankful for and on that note, here's my list for today:
- Today was Maia's first day of school. I am thankful for the teachers, paras, and staff who are so committed to our warrior girl. Just as she thrived last year after starting school, I know she will thrive again this year. I wasn't able to be home when she left this morning, but daddy did take a couple of pictures.
- Speaking of school, tomorrow is Matthew's first day. I'm thankful that he will have the opportunity to make new friends and continue to develop new skills, as well as learn so much! Will share pics of his first day tomorrow.
- Hate to say it, but I'm thankful that tomorrow is Friday. You would think that I would be cruising into the weekend after my time off and a short work week. But instead, I'm looking forward to a laid back couple of days, hoping for some rejuvination.
- I am so very thankful for a Heavenly Father who loves me, who walks beside me always, who carries me when I can't walk, and who forgives my imperfections, my human-ness, and my sins. Thinking about His grace and mercy fill me with wonder and humility.
Melanie, No one has the right to be judgemental about you feeling some grief. You are exactly right in your supposition that your rebound of grief is because you are in the trenches now. There are so many firsts for Maia, and for you as her parents. I am willing to bet that your weekend away was full of firsts, and while it was fun and a change, it had challenges as well. I was as excited as a child the first vacation we took after Kris became ill. On some strange level I wished we could leave our problems at home and go have fun. Well, that first trip was a smack in the head of sorts. We took all of the changes in our lives and all of the difficulties with us. It was just like home in a different place! Understand we enjoyed ourselves, but the illness came along, and our child's physical differences were noticed by other people. I felt I needed to protect our daughter from questions and stares, and it made me sad. Your faith is strong, Melanie, and every time you do something the first time you never have to do it or experience it the first time again. Be kind to yourself, and try to have a nice relaxed weekend. I keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh, Melanie, I'm thankful for YOU! Your faith and dedication and devotion and love are such shining examples of someone being the Hands of Christ in the World...
ReplyDeleteBack-to-school is a huge milestone. It's natural and very normal to feel sad and to think back to last year's first day and to grieve for Maia's struggles and losses and to wonder why...and to realize that sometimes, there are no answers in this world. I ask those questions myself, and probably always will. It's tough, tough, tough, and I'd be the last one to offer sugary platitudes about God's will or miracles. But I do have faith. And I know you do, too - probably stronger than my own. And you surely have love and are loved, just like Maia.
I hope that love and faith will continue to see you through. Enjoy your weekend and don't feel guilty about taking much-needed time to reenergize and refuel. It's deserved and needed. Wish I were closer, so I could drop off a casserole to help keep you out of the kitchen this weekend!
Best wishes,
Susan in Ky
Cousin to 2 from EE
Your family has been through so much. And I know you are grateful for many things. It is ok to sit back and grieve for those things that have happened. I know things happen for a reason and we may not always know what those reasons are. But it is human to feel those losses.
ReplyDeleteYou have many friends - IRL and online - that care for you and your family. I'm one of those people that care about you. I hope that you feel that care and support in the times when your heart aches. You have a big heart - and a wonderful family. I'm lucky to be a part of that.