Lately, I've been talking to God about feeling far away from Him. Not hearing His voice as clearly as I want to. I think most of us go through those phases in our lives. And I recognize that this is not because of God. It's because of me, my human ways and sinful nature. He is always close to us, we are the ones who chose to move. Sometimes, it's a conscious decision - sometimes, it's a gradual slide down that slippery slope away from Him. And all of a sudden, we (I) wonder how I have come to that place where He seems far away.
Over the past few days, I have been working on returning to my Heavenly Father, asking Him to reveal himself to me. And He has been so faithful! Today, I read a fellow adoptive mom's blog and knew that God was saying something that I needed to hear. I will be honest... it wasn't a warm, fuzzy message. And that's ok. The words weren't angry or hateful, they didn't cause me to feel shame. But, they did reach right into my heart and say, "Melanie... I am talking to you. I see your heart. You may try to hide your feelings from me, but I made you. I know you inside and out, you have no secrets from me. And the things you are trying to control right now?? Well, they aren't yours to control!! The tomorrows that you are worrying about? Well, they aren't yours to fret over. Do you trust me or not? You say that you do, but is that just lip service?"
Oh, my... I hear you, Lord! I am reminded that my plan is not His plan. It is only when I can give up that control, that He is able to work fully in my life. How I struggle with this! I am one of those people who overanalyzes everything, who wants to know all the minute details, who wants my kids to be well behaved at.all.times. By trying to maintain this insane race, all I do is distance myself from not only those around me - but also from my Heavenly Father. I set up unrealistic expectations and feel like an utter failure when I can not achieve them. For what purpose?
The bottom line is that I have to relinquish my control to God and ask Him to align my will with His. To trust that He knows far better than I do what is good for me and for those I love. I am so thankful that I have been able to hear His voice above all the clamoring that goes on in my head. Thankful for a God who wants nothing more than to make His presence known in my life, a God who wants nothing more than for me to serve Him. Thankful for the words of wisdom that come from others who walk life's paths and share similar struggles.